All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
