Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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