"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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