i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
