I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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