I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
