I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
