My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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