I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize