the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize