I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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