Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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