There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
