Where are you?
In a non slutty way
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
