im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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