there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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