just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
