don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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