i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
