Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
