new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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