all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
