she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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