I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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