They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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