God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
