dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
