It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
