these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
