My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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