Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize