if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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