this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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