I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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