Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
