I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
