she woke up with a sticky ear
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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