that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
