I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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