I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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