i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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