listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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