last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
And my parents said I crawled through the house
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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