I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
