Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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