we have officially lost it.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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