Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
