i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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