so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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