note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
