I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
