If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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