and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
