I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I want a musical about memes.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
