I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize