I am spending my child support on dildos
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
