I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
