It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
she peed on how many people?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
