You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
