Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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