Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
