I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
