He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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