no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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