I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize