Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
