Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
