my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
