I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
