I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
