Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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