saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
