____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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